With a golf gun. Kidadl's brilliant batman puns and jokes are the ultimate secret weapon for classroom comics ready to rise to superhero status. These holes had been dug up by the alleged killer, and contained dismembered body parts, including torsos, extremities, and decapitated hea. What is a … Sourced from Reddit, Twitter, and beyond! "Sherlock Holmes is a great man, and I think one day -- if we're very, very lucky -- he might even be a good one." He also discovers a crumpled up sheet of paper that has an address scribbled out on it. 110 best Christmas jokes and funniest festive one-liners How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus’ weight when he was born? ", ...and that "we should split up" Toggle Navigation Menu ... Quasimodo was the best detective in France. He rushes over to the address and is directed to the house next door where he sees an old woman, eating watermelon, dress hitched up to her waist, and no underwear on. Top 100 funniest one-liners. Maxwell Smart: I used to look like two of my moms put together. The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast. After a while, he comes out of the room and talks to the police sergeant there with him, "Well, I've asked him just about every question in the book. All sorted from the best by our visitors. The detective says, "Not exactly. There are some circumcision mgm jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. So he proceeded to ask his colleague , Here's the dead body. He needed to keep up with Jenny's U-turns. The Chief: I don't know. Ideas & Inspiration. "He cried when … The sergeant asks, "Well have you gotten a confession out of him?" ", Sadly, the detectives have nothing to go on, A truck carrying cows and a truck carrying cannabis get into a car accident. Famous One Liner Jokes. By admin April 17, 2015. Detective Bee 1: So, what happened with that poor kid that got mugged this morning? 22. I said "Good idea we'll cover more ground that way". ', 'What were you doing? Dog: I buried a bone. This is the detective’s first day on the job and his boss tells him, “If you can solve this case you get a promotion, however if you fail yo. I demanded. "Good idea", I said, "that way we can cover more ground", "I want to be a detective and follow in my father's footsteps," says Johnny. All sorted from the best by our visitors. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. The Funniest Gag at the 2011 Edinburgh Festival Fringe was this one-liner from Tim Vine; I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. 59.81 % / 40 votes. 21. Interested in finding out more about being a software developer? Following is our collection of Urologist jokes which are very funny. "That's very admirable of you," says the teacher. “How was he killed” asked one detective. 1 I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. ", Ones a Private Investigator, the others a Privates Investigator, Her: I want you to kill my ex and make it seem like an accident Where's tequila ? Lawyer "He was at The Bellagio then, he would have to be some kind of magician to be in two places at once.". The day is coming when a single carrot, freshly observed, will set off a revolution. A big list of cinema jokes! Merciless and ready to attack. A member has started a discussion. The steaks are high. "First body, Frenchman, aged 60, died making love to his mistress, hence the smile on his face. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana – mafia. Lawyer: Thats fine, just call him in here and tell him Learn more. A member has started a discussion. "He's not," says Johnny. Wife: "He was talking in his sleep!". Click here for more information. You can write one in a card for an anniversary or you can leave a joke in your significant other’s lunch box if they take one to work. 11:45 - Found murder weapon in drain Maxwell Smart: Are you thinking what I'm thinking? The largest collection of dirty one-line jokes in the world. Share your best one-liners in the comments below and help spread some laughs! What do you call a snowman on wheels? and asks the partygoers, Here’s a list puns and punny stuff about alligators for you to use as quick as a snap the next time someone talks about gators, there quotes and jokes too! Red snowman: Dude, we’re snowmen, the dark side; under the tree… Green snowman: Oh! by Ramon March 22, 2010. Yo! Always borrow money from a pessimist. Puzzled, he picks up the phone and listens as the detective details the fact patterns of a homicide. Have a look at these witty one liners. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case. The partygoers respond, 2 Do not argue with an idiot. The Hunchback of Notre Dame: I have a hunch. Throughout the series he was known for his wisecracking banter. A urologist is sitting down to lunch when he gets a call from a NYPD detective. The general asks the man: We want a person with a suspicious mind, one who is always alert. ', everything." ", Who was the first electricity detective? He and she leave house. Lots of Linux jokes in images there. Puzzled, he picks up the phone and listens as the detective details the fact patterns of a homicide. 11:45 - Realised watch was broken. Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. The famous detective Sherlock Holmes and his best friend and partner Dr Watson decide to take a break from their latest crime-solving efforts and go camping. Following is our collection of Detective jokes which are very funny. "We can cover more ground that way." Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top LATER See TOP 10 dirty one liners. He could solve every case he encountered with the help of the magical powers bestowed to him by a fairy. Detective : "You're a brave. 50 jokes for Christmas 2021: best funny festive one-liners, riddles and puns to make you laugh this year . And most importantly having a killer instinct! "He's a jewel thief." The husband wanted more than a written report—he wanted a video of his wife’s activities. Those of you who have teens can tell them clean detective cid dad jokes. He calls the police and soon an investigative team arrives. Home Jokes Top 100 funniest one-liners. … 23. See TOP 10 marriage one liners. The largest collection of marriage one-line jokes in the world. Sherlock Ohms Sundae School. The perfect crime was committed last night. But he was no ordinary detective. Technology 101 – What is software? Check our Twitter and Facebook feeds for a joke on the hour every hour… Search for: Television Jokes. 3 I want to … Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. The other detective said "what's a golf gun?" They can start off every investigation saying, "Hmm, I have a hunch". Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast. A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find that his car, a Mustang, has had all the internal components removed, leaving only a hollow, useless shell. A man follows a woman with a dog out of a cinema. So, in urinalysis, who committed the crime? A spy-der What do you call a frog spy? Many of them come from Tommy Cooper's act. Share. In a stake-out operation at a local bar, an undercover SVU officer was approached by Eva, an exotic dancer, who offered him a private lap dance in the back room. “How many times did you hit him?” asks the detective. *Husband comes in* The test is simple. 70 best Christmas cracker jokes 2020: one liners and puns so bad they are funny to make you laugh this Xmas Enjoy these Christmas cracker jokes so bad that they’re good By Finlay Greig Lawyer "Well my client is definitely innocent then." 3 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the … "How can you say that?!" He was sure it was concrete evidence. "The old fool used an elastic rope!". * My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind, One day I asked him why. So we went ahead and rounded up the best ice cream jokes, puns, and one-liners that will add the cherry on top of your day. The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye! share. Funny Urologist Jokes and Puns. Best collection of Mystery Jokes ever! ", A blonde woman wants to prove she is smart, so she goes down to the local police station and says that she wants to become a detective. Were you thinking, "Holy … Take caution, though, these babies are bad to the bone. tags: edgar-allan-poe, horror, noir, scandinavian, short-stories. Let’s try to rephrase that.”. I told her that's great, we can cover more ground that way. Three idiots were training to become detectives. If you really like even one of these English jokes, you can use it in a variety of settings. One Liners and Short Jokes A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. People always ask me how I sneak chocolate into the cinema. There are some investigator detective jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. This list is bound to make you laugh…or at the very least smile! We hope you will find these detective sherlock puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh. "That hairstylist is a monster! Sara Animals, General alligator, alligator joke, alligator one liner, alligator pun, animal, animal joke, clean joke, clean pun, cute kid spun, cute pun, funny, funny joke, funny kids pun, funny pun, funny stories, jokes, kids pun, one liners, pun. “Did you hit him with the golf club?” “Yes, I did,” sobs the woman. Mrs. Finkle: It was all that Dan Marino’s fault, everyone knows that. Why are popsicles so snobby? Poached or Pets? Replied the second detective. The detective readies his gun and barges in, eager to find a clue that ties the house to the suspect. 'Carrots and potatoes,' the man replied. (Sorry if this has been posted before I only heard it today), Detective: What did they take? Here in this section, we have added the most popular and best viral detective jokes from all over the Internet. Well, we’ve got some one-liners and knee-slappers that ought to fit the bill. What do you call an under cover tarantula? “With a golf gun.” Replied the second detective. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. … when he was mugged by a gang of snails. The largest collection of sarcastic one-line jokes in the world. Ace Ventura Pet Detective Quotes. Ace Ventura: If I’m not back in five minutes… just wait longer. 'Why carrots and potatoes?' Eating ice cream and laughing at jokes about ice cream. A truck carrying cows and a truck carrying cannabis get into a car accident. If you like all things British, you can get ready for their subtle humor. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate. ", A urologist is sitting down to lunch when he gets a call from a NYPD detective. Detective: Well, who do you think did it? It's interesting… There are some detective policewoman jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Wife: "My husband has got to be the worst detective!" What do you call it when one bull spies on another bull? A golf gun? Driver : NO! The only evidence was a knife, fully made of concrete. Tell you what – never again!" Absolutely hillarious sarcastic one-liners! The other says " I dunno, but it sure made a hole in Juan. The man replies: Sir... can my wife apply!??? For even more laughs and good, clean jokes, check out One-Liners, Funny Quotes, Dad Jokes, Fun Facts, Bad Jokes, Knock Knock Jokes and Trivia for Kids! 1 I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So he could QUACK the case! Television Jokes. the Murder of a young man named Jonathan, Detective Shakespeare arrives first and asks the neighbors and the witnesses, he writes the name of 10 people as suspects, after further investigations, he narrows the number of suspects down to 2 young men, Maximilianus and Tobias, then Jameson, who oversle, He said “I want to ask you some questions.” To which the fisherman replied “Sure,But you need to buy me some worms first” the detective says “God dammit I’m here to investigate not invest in bait”. We have searched all over the web and have taken the best ones we could find, including the ones you guys have sent to us, and added them here. *"There's been a murder..."*. After about 5 minutes the detective finishes, re-summarizes the facts, and asks the urologist: "Who do you think comm. Why did the duck become a detective? Vegetables are a must on a diet. The general asks the man: We want a person with a suspicious mind, one who is always alert. 50+ Best British Jokes, Puns And One-Liners. After about 5 minutes the detective finishes, re-summarizes the facts, and asks the urologist: "Who do you think committed the murder?" Here in this section, we have added the most popular and best viral detective jokes from all over the Internet. If geek humor interests you, I advise you to follow It’s FOSS collection of Linux Humor on Google Plus. facebook; twitter; instagram; … Detective "Around midnight at the MGM." So enjoy this collection of 80 funny one liners! So do you think you are eligible? But they couldn't find any evidence that would stick, They get into a huge fight about it and she finally says I think we need to split up One's a private eye, and the other is a private-ear. Civilian: The TV, the music system, all the cash from my locker, the mini fridge, my most expensive bottle of champagne! Thanks for visiting and hope you enjoy our collection of jokes; some corny, some cleaver, whatever it takes to put a smile on your face. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh. We can cover more ground that way. The detective sent the knife to a lab, hoping for any DNA evidence, but unfortunately, the results came back inconclusive. "He's not," says Johnny. See TOP 10 witty one-liners. Wife: "My husband has got to be the worst detective! Spread Tha Jokes - Live and Laugh. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." facebook ; twitter; instagram; pinterest; youtube; Search. Agent 99: I used to look like my mom. Two other detectives on the force decide to see how far they can go before the new guy cracks and decide to take him to a grisly post-mortem. ... An English detective was running around the country looking for Leeds for his case. Camping Jokes For Kids [Images, One Liners] Here is the list of Latest Camping Jokes From Distenia – Two hikers making their way through bear country come around a corner to spot their worst fear: a grizzly. Russian dolls are so full of themselves. the police chief asked the farmer-to-be. All sorted from the best by our visitors. I am originally from Indiana. He took in the scene. "We can cover more ground that way. Wow says the detective, looking up at the train in question. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. "Good idea," I replied. What’s quack-a-lackin’? Someone who has an acute sense of hearing and has detective ability. ~ Paul Cezanne The largest collection of the best one line jokes in the world. The man was never very good at anything. We can cover more ground that way! I said, Good idea, we can cover more ground that way. Me: Excellent idea. ", A cop fills him in on what happened. The quicker the humor the more sharp it may be and the quicker at making us laugh! "Good idea," I replied. On his first day he came across a dead body , but he could not make head or tail of the situation. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. But first, tell me if this was premeditated. Detective: What was the point of entry? There are also detective puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls. 70 best Christmas cracker jokes 2020: one liners and puns so bad they are funny to make you laugh this Xmas Enjoy these Christmas cracker jokes so bad that they’re good . 23. Wife: "He said he wouldn't rest until he found his suspect" Signs of struggle A love joke is a great thing to send to your significant other in the middle of the day. One boy goes to a Spanish family who name him Juan, the second goes to … Detective: "That's where the murder happened idiot. 100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners that will make everyone laugh 25 of Spike Milligan’s wittiest jokes and one-liners 30 of Russell Brand’s wittiest jokes and quotes We use software every … Try again.”. 50 jokes for Christmas 2021: best funny festive one-liners, riddles and puns to make you laugh this year Whether you're looking to stuff a homemade. 11:45 - arrived at crime scene It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin.". Alligators … The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Meek little wives feel the edge of the carving knife and study their husbands' necks. Where were you on the night of September to March? "Eleven", she replies. So an incredibly nefarious criminal escapes from prison in the Czech Republic. His assistant scurried in after. I got a few Twix up my sleeve. That's why his partner is called Wattson... when one detective says " it looks like he was killed by a golf gun". We suggest to use only working detective investigator piadas for adults and blagues for friends. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. A Game Warden is walking along a beach one morning when he spots a man with a bucket of lobsters. Anything can happen. The urologist says "Listen, fella, I think you have the wrong number. Can someone please tell me where Cognito is? This site uses cookies to personalize ads and to analyse web traffic, for more info please review our Privacy Policy. ~ Jim Davis; I don’t do carrots. Their superior decided to test them by having them catch an escaped criminal. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. "We have a lot of suspects, sir," said the officer. Well, we’ve got some one-liners and knee-slappers that ought to fit the bill. A steak-out! 88 of them, in fact! 11 funny Linux jokes. He was the best detective of his time. "Take your hands off the car, or I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." Cause it always sheds a lot of light on the situation. The detective says "Right! Read on and add these one-liner jokes to your collection so you can rattle them off at your next funny family get-together. … Three years and three stripes later, I ejected from the MP Corps, vowing I'd never do police or criminal investigative … Upon investigation, the police found a series of mass graves. Puns And One Liners. FYI, it was a big hit when I told it in Sweden using Norway as the other country. ", His lawyer asks "When and where did the murder take place?" Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. Me: Say no more "That's very admirable of you," says the teacher. Friend: "Why do you say that?" Have you seen the Spy thriller about fat people? For even more laughs and good, clean jokes, check out One-Liners, Funny Quotes, Dad Jokes, Fun Facts, Bad Jokes, Knock Knock Jokes and Trivia for Kids! It's called "Tomorrow Never Diets" What is it when one butcher spies on another butcher? Detective: What did you get arrested for? You weren’t even in the country when it happened.” Maja in the short story 'Metro' by Steen Langstrup” ― Steen Langstrup, Metro. As long as we now have facebook and people that post everything to social media anyone can be a detective and that is just a few of the topics of the jokes that you will find on this page. Without pausing a fraction of a second, one of the hikers takes off running, prompting the bear to charge. Second body, Irishman, aged 30, won a thousand euros in the lottery, spent it all on whiskey, and died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile on … He decided to become a detective. ", He was looking for Finger Prince. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie. Merciless and ready to attack. share If God hadn't meant the pussy to be eaten, he wouldn't have made it look like a taco. A teacher asks Little Johnny what he wants to be when he grows up. But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him. Below are our favorite Ace Ventura Pet Detective Quotes that will make you laugh. Apparently the killer is riddled with dementia and considers the train his lover, so he killed the train operator out of jealousy